"Committing" at the company (getting with the program) would require some original work, something more than what I'm doing day to day. My own preference would be to rebuild my section's web site, something I've been putting off because I haven't had the time and I haven't had the energy and I've been pissed. There are some bells and whistles I could build that would be fun and earn a gold star, but saying that sounds flat. (You will notice I've described a "project", not an effort to work with my management.) I might not be able to "commit" at the office.

The web site "project" wouldn't be about staying with the company though, I'm there for the paycheck, but it might lead to other things, other connections, other, um, opportunities. I will eventually need a car, everybody eventually needs another car, something about the additional degree of freedom, but jeez, I just do not want to believe buying a car is a solution to anything other than transportation and short term ego gratification and least of all enlightenment. It would indicate "commitment", but a symptom of commitment, not the disease itself. (Now that Boxster lease I saw advertised in the paper this morning, the five hundred a month for sixty months, no money down...?) Well, you see how silly this gets.

Personally, I guess I'll just keep it on track. It says I need to "commit" to something, just try it. That was Don Juan's advice to Castaneda: If you don't know what choice to make, then make a choice, pick something that seems marginally possible and pretend that it works. I've always assumed he meant trying the one would lead to another, would lead to another again and that was really the choice, the process itself, not the particular choices. Once you've found something in this life it's usually gone by the time you notice anyway. Pain in the butt. And the heart.

There is an anti-war demonstration in downtown Oakland this noon, and I think (the head still funky and the ears still ringing, but not too funky and not too loud) I'll attend. Take it easy, don't pack too damned much equipment. Then again.... The sun is shining, the weather is warm, I've had breakfast. It is Saturday, I have tomorrow off. Monday. Don't even mention Monday.

Later. Two hours walking around Oakland City Center, the parade arriving an hour or so late. My shoulder feels like lead after lugging the gear - I didn't listen to my own admonishment - but it went alright. I don't believe my heart was in it, I don't think I got more than one or two shots, but I went out today for the first time since the operation in November and shot some film.