Fool Around Time
I looked at my links page this morning. I have ambivalent thoughts. I've chosen to attach comments to the journals I've listed and some of them are OK, but most of them aren't, most of them are just me jacking off at their expense. In many I don't have a clear take on the journal and all I've managed is stupid. Or I haven't been skilled enough to put my idea down well enough to pull it off, which leads to mistakes. I'd rather not make.
I occasionally ask myself what I'm doing here and where this is going, particularly during periods when I feel I'm treading water. I've talked about fretfully playing Freecell, a way to mark time. Maybe this journal is a way to mark time.
I've said that I like this journal format because it forces me to write every day, not
that I have some end in mind. I'm close enough to it so I don't see the obvious errors until I've had time to step back and read them afresh. Which I don't. Maybe I need some time to clear my head. I don't have a conscious purpose here and I don't have many rules about what is OK and what isn't, except it's better to make mistakes and look the fool than to not take chances. I'm thinking maybe I should pull back on the links page and the guestbook (which I think they've cut off for lack of entries) and drop the other sections I haven't touched. Maybe start over with a new domain or just let it go. I'm good at backing myself into a corner and cutting off my options so maybe I've simply managed to do that with this journal. Like a Freecell game that's run out of moves.
A brief note added Sunday: The tone of this is more down than I meant it to be, a lot more down than I felt when I wrote it. It just started down and then degenerated. I spent the morning working over my links page and feeling frustration over how it was written or not written or something. I haven't posted the revisions and I may just axe the page altogether.
I was looking forward to photographing the Solano Stroll as I was writing this and futzing around with the apartment. I tend to start an entry and continue even if it takes off on some weird course of its own because I usually don't like to begin again once I've started. Because I'm lazy. Even my more disjointed ideas are ideas, after all, and I don't like to come up with new ones merely because they're hopeless. One reason I like deadlines: I have to finish, ready or not, and just post it, otherwise I'd rewrite forever. Anyway, I'm OK. The jaw operation and the move are fading and I have some fool around time again. I need fool around time to keep my sanity.
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